TAKE ME TO: Events & Workshops | Guest Article
Our Upcoming Trips at a Glance | Post a comment!
Dear Friends,
WHAT’S NEW? Getting your needs met??
I’m so excited about this week’s guest article by Vasavi Kumar on getting your needs met in relationship. What a fabulous subject as so many us believe that if our partner truly loves us they will magically know what we need and swiftly get it for us. Ha!
As students of The Four Agreements – we know that the first agreement is be impeccable with your word. One way to be impeccable in relationship is to ask clearly for what you want without drama, straight-up, and in a way that can be understood! I would love to hear your comments about the article so do post on the website. And don’t forget to watch Vasavi’s video below about her fantastic upcoming retreat in Malibu!
Next! If you are at all interested in Dennis McKenna’s Ayahuasca & Ayni in the Andes retreat in Peru August 1-10th, 2013 – the trip is open and will probably sell out within the next 24-48 hours. So I suggest signing up ASAP!
Blessings and love, 
Connect with me: Email | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter
EVENTS, FREE VIDEO-CLASSES & NEW PROGRAMS!
Got a Heart-Centered Business?
Meet me in Las Vegas at Lisa Sasavich’s “Speak to Sell” event
May 16-18, 2013
Join me (Sheri Rosenthal) for a very special speaking training program designed SPECIFICALLY for coaches, authors, speakers, trainers, experts and heart-centered entrepreneurs who are committed to providing amazing content AND ready to enjoy BIG sales results – all without being “salesy!”
If you missed my offer for gifted tickets to Suzanne Evans “Be the Change” event in Orlando in April – you cannot miss this invite.
I have 5 (out of eight) tickets left to gift.
This event is normally $997 – so what better way is there to be able to come to this event for just the cost of your flight, room and food? If you do ANY speaking in your profession – don’t miss this.
Get your ticket for Speak to Sell here!
OUR GUEST ARTICLE
Are Your Getting YOUR Needs Met in Your Relationship?
Needs. We all have them, yet so few of us know how to articulate what they are, and how we want them met. To take it a step further, an even smaller percentage of people are waiting for someone else to take care of their needs. And this, in my opinion is the number one reason why relationships end.
I used to believe that it was solely my responsibility to get my needs met and that I shouldn’t ask for anything in my relationships. It was my way of protecting myself form disappointment and rejection. That “worked” until I got married to the love of my life, Ashish. I would find myself making him wrong for not being able to read my mind and not surprising me with the little things that made me happy. Poor guy never stood a chance against my “fierce and independent woman.”
See the thing is, I didn’t even know what my needs were. I was so used to doing everything myself, and protecting myself from disappointment and sadness that I became a machine. I was constantly doing, and hardly ever being with myself.
What I now know is that in order for me to get my needs met in my relationship, I first have to identify what my needs and desires are, and be able to communicate those needs until they are consistently met.
If you are in a relationship and do not feel happy, it’s probably because your needs aren’t being met. I often hear my clients express that their partner should just “know” what they want. But the truth is, your partner isn’t a mind-reader. The root of the issue is ineffective (or none at all) communication.
Before we get into how to get your needs met, it’s important to identify the common mistakes people make when attempting to communicate to their partner.
- Being dramatic about your needs: Instilling fear will not get your need met. For example, “If you don’t do __________, I am never going to talk to you again.” Now this may seem a bit dramatic, but we all have our version of creating unnecessary drama. What is your version? What do you say to make sure that you get your need met? Do you use fear? Threats? Blackmail? Guilt? Be willing to identify how you create drama in your relationship.
- Being silent about what you need: The most common belief that people have about their needs is that “I won’t get what I want anyway, so why bother asking?” This is simply not true. This is a limiting belief that you have held onto that keeps you from expressing what you really want and need in your relationship. Resentment is often a result of this belief and this is why being able to clearly identify your needs is so important.
- Making your needs smaller than: Another common mistake is when we minimize our need. This will typically look like saying one thing but really meaning another thing. For example, “Oh, it’s ok you can invite your friends to come out to dinner with us.” Even though, the truth is, you want to spend alone time with your partner. We do this out of fear of upsetting or hurting your partner. The end result of minimizing your needs is that your partner is left feeling confused and unable to really understand what you want, thereby you feeling unheard and unimportant.
The key to overcoming these common mistakes is the willingness to be courageous and vulnerable. Instead of using “You” statements that often feel like an attack, practice using “I” statements. For example, “You never listen to me” will definitely sound like a blame or “make wrong.” Instead, try, “I feel like I am not heard in this relationship.” The shift from “you” to “I” will create a safer space for your partner to hear you without feeling blamed or attacked. And, more importantly it allows you to take full ownership of your feelings.
If you can identify with the common mistakes listed above, not to worry, here are clear steps to getting your needs met.
-
- Get crystal clear about your needs: In order for you to clearly express what you need, you need to be clear. Before speaking to your partner, sit with yourself, think about what you need, write it down, and make sure that you can clearly articulate in one to two sentences what it is that you desire.
- Timing is everything: The last thing you want to do is to try and start a conversation in a hurry or when your partner or you aren’t in the right frame of mind. Be mindful of timing. Ask your partner when would be a good time to sit and have a conversation. This way, you are not forcing anything and you are respecting each others boundaries.
- State your needs flat: I have often found that if you have to go over two sentences, then you are trying to convince the other person of your position. State it flat. What this means is, don’t preface your needs with a ton of disclaimers – just say what it is – flat.
- Be unattached to the outcome: The truth is, your partner may say “no” or may not want to fulfill your need. The goal here is to state your need, not to make a threat or a demand. This is an opportunity for you to make a request. Requests don;t always get met. So be prepared to find a way to get your needs met by you.
You don’t have to suffer in silence. True transformation starts with you being willing to be courageous and vulnerable, no matter how scary it may seem. Be willing to take responsibility for how you show up in your life and in your relationships. This is the key to love and connection.
Blessings, Vasavi Kumar
Licensed master social worker Vasavi Kumar describes herself as “your kick-in-the-pants guide en route to your desired destination.” With an out-of-the-box, rebellious approach, she inspires people to find freedom from their past to take charge of their future. A certified life coach, speaker and author, Vasavi (VAH-sahvee) teaches people how to propel their lives, careers and well-being to the next level and beyond.
Registration is open for Vasavi’s: “Nourish Retreat for Extraordinary Women” in Malibu – Sept 19-22nd, 2013.
It’s going to be amazing – I included some pictures from the retreat center above. And do watch her video below for more info about this fabulous retreat!
OUR MENU OF UPCOMING FABULOUS ADVENTURES!
~ENLIGHTENING APRIL TRAVELS~
Embodying the Heart of the Mystic
Andalucía & Costa del Luz, Spain – LAST CALL!
Trip Leader: Ellen Luksch
April 13-20, 2013
Soul*Full Women’s Photography Retreat
Sedona, Arizona – LAST CALL!!
Trip Leader: Catherine Just
April 16-21st, 2013
~MAGICAL MAY SOJOURNS~
Oneness Awakening Wild Dolphin Trip
Bimini, Caribbean – FILLING FAST!
Trip Leader: Joe Noonan
May 11–15th, 2013
A Women’s Journey to Avalon
Sacred Britain – EARLY REGISTRATION NECESSARY
Trip Leader: Cameron Broughton
May 23-31, 2013
The Dalai Lama & Tibetan Buddhism in Exile
Dharamsala, India – FILLING FAST!
Trip Leader: Lisa Tully
May 30-Jun 17, 2013
~JUICY JUNE JOURNEYS~
Access your Dreams Retreat
Carrapateira, Portugal – REGISTER NOW!
Trip Leader: Mami Veza
May 10–16th, 2013 (also Oct18 – 24th + Nov 15 – 21st)
~GLORIOUS JULY JAUNTS~
The Heart Wisdom of Whales & Wild Dolphins
Panama
Trip Leader: Anne Gordon de Barrigón
Various 5-day itineraries running from: July 7-Oct 11th, 2013
Journey to Machu Picchu – Authentic Spiritual & Cultural Wonders
Peru
Trip Leader: Carol Cumes
July 17-27th, 2013
Crop Circles and Sacred Sites
Sacred Britain
Trip Leaders: Glenn & Cameron Broughton
July 29-August 4, 2013 & Pre-Tour Conference July 26-29th
~AUDACIOUS AUGUST ADVENTURES~
Ayahuasca & Ayni in the Andes
Peru
Trip Leader: Dennis McKenna
August 1-10th, 2013 (Waiting list only right now – email us!)
The Magic of Celtic Country
Sacred Ireland
Trip Leaders: Glenn & Cameron Broughton
August 17-28, 2013
~SOUL-STIRRING SEPTEMBER SOJOURNS~
Highlands and Mystical Islands
Sacred Scotland
Trip Leaders: Glenn & Cameron Broughton
Sept 15-24th, 2013
The Nourish Retreat for Extraordinary Women
Malibu, CA
Trip Leaders: Vasavi Kumar, Maria Zavala, Gigi Yogini + Parashakti
Sept 19-22nd, 2013
Reconnecting to Truth through Horse Wisdom
Tucson, AZ
Trip Leaders: Ezra Marrow, Briana Lorenz-Marrow and Judy Askins
Sept 18-22, 2013 (half-filled register early!)
Journey to Machu Picchu – Authentic Spiritual & Cultural Wonders
Peru
Trip Leader: Carol Cumes
Sept 26–Oct 5th, 2013
~BOLD OCTOBER EXPEDITIONS~
A Sacred Pilgrimage to India
India
Trip Leaders: Elaine Dodson, Jahnava Devi, and Mahatma Das
October 15-27th, 2013 (Elaine’s trip is already half filled so register early!)
~NOURISHING NOVEMBER RETREATS~
The Clarity + Heart Elixir
Uxmal, Yucatan
Trip Leaders: Sheri Rosenthal + Rev Frankie Timmers
November 9-16th, 2013
~~~~
Want to see our whole line-up for the upcoming year?
Visit our Trips at a Glance page.
I very much appreciated Vasavi’s sage advice on getting your needs met. I think her advice about not being attached to the outcome is particularly important, because there’s no guarantee that following her advice is going to work every time. I teach my students about I- and You-Statements every semester, yet I know that using I-statements is not going to be advantageous every time. I blogged about this for Psychology Today, http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201303/you-make-me-feel-bad/are-i-statements-better-you-statements
Another thought to consider is how far we want to go in having our desires fulfilled, especially by other people. Our desires are endless, which is why some traditions recommend extinguishing desire. Getting clear on our needs means being really sure that we actually need something or if it is just something we would like to have.
Dear John,
Thank you for taking the time to post. We are all responsible for making ourselves happy in life – but at least in partnership it is nice if we cultivate the practice of clear open communication.
Blessings, Sheri